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With thoughts so vast and varied, I struggle to even know where to begin this post.  Perhaps we should start with the good news:  Only eight (or fewer) weeks until my very first grandbaby will make his glorious entrance into this world.  As many of you know, after my Whipple procedure, my surgeons were quick to warn that I likely would not get the opportunity to experience becoming a grandmother.  That was 18 months ago.  And guess what?  They were wrong.  Come hail or high water, I fully plan on snuggling that precious little boy come mid-February.  I’ve come too far to only come this far! 

I cannot count the times that I have wanted to sit down and share more of my journey with you all.  We still have much to cover regarding the many lifestyle changes that I’ve been forced to make, the science behind them, and the results that I have to show for my efforts.  We could also journey through the atrocious truths that have been uncovered regarding big pharma, western medicine, chemotherapy, big ag, and the now “illegal” drugs that were once used to heal.  If I could, I would share every single detail of my research with all of you if for no other reason than to ensure that you make educated decisions about your own health and the health of your family members.

Today, though, I write from a place of uncertainty.  A place that my surgeon suggested I get very familiar with at my 6-week post-op appointment.

  “Julie, you’re going to have to be okay living with a lot of uncertainty now.”  His words have always plagued the back of my mind.  Yet, as the days after diagnosis turned into weeks and the weeks into months, his cry faded into a whisper.  With so much physical and emotional healing behind me, I finally found myself in a good place again…or in as good of a place as one can expect post-Whipple procedure.  I began winning my battle with malabsorption and gaining weight again!  I joined a gym and started working with a trainer to rebuild the muscles that Whipple selfishly consumed.  “Hello trainer Pedro.  I’m brand new here.  I’d like to build a butt please.” 

My dreadful gift of post-Whipple kidney stones seemed to be under control with increased water intake and a cranberry supplement and I had actually even managed to get my elevated liver enzymes (thank you Whipple procedure for also gifting me with severe fatty liver disease) back into the normal range.  I had corrected my thyroid issues (caused by liver issues) with diet changes, milk thistle, and TUDCA supplements.  And I was only visiting the toilet about 5-7 times a day.  Woo-hoo! 

I started making plans again.  Time to begin a master’s program to position myself for a job that will enable me to truly help others.  Or maybe I’ll finally throw caution to the wind and put every ounce of my being into starting my dream company that would change lives every day and provide countless opportunities to share both the truth and the love of God with others…

Just when life was beginning to feel a little bit “normal” again-

Just when the fury of the storm had seemingly subsided-

Despite feeling stronger and healthier than ever-

My CEA tumor marker blood test came back elevated.  A normal reading on this test reads 5.0 ng/mL or under.  Where a 4 and a 3.1 once stood in the past, a 5.6 now stared back at me.  My oncologist was not concerned, stating that these results were not worrisome unless imaging confirmed a recurrence.

I felt great!  And we were convinced that the imaging would come back just fine. 

Even after dreaming on the night before my MRI that they found a tumor during the scan, I fully expected a good report. 

The results came back just a few short hours after my radiology appointment and it did not take me long to realize that it was not a good report:

44 x 31 mm apparent soft tissue mass within the anterior midline mesentery of the abdomen, concerning for a metastatic implant.

“Metastatic” is never a good thing.

 Could I possibly feel this good and this healthy and this happy and this free-only to now have stage 4 cancer? 

I continued reading. 

BOWEL: In the region of the anterior midline mesentery of the abdomen there is a 44 mm transverse by 31 mm AP heterogeneously enhancing soft tissue mass that was not evident on prior CTs. This is near the inner margin of the anterior abdominal wall.

A quick google search quickly revealed that “heterogeneously” is also not a good thing.

 MALIGNANT.

 Deep breath in….

 Before I could finish reading the scan, my oncologist called.  Her concerns matched my own and we agreed that another scan was our best plan of action despite my extreme aversion to harmful radiation and CT contrast.  Radiology, however, was booked out for a week.  We would have to wait.

Meanwhile, my next few days were full of distractions provided by a variety of appointments and scans previously ordered by other specialists on my medical team.

A consult with a general surgeon for an upcoming colonoscopy:

Because we don’t have medical insurance and the hospital’s financial aid doesn’t cover the proper anesthesia, the surgeon was concerned that I might be too “awake” during the colonoscopy.  He explained that without the proper anesthesia, some patients feel (and object to) the procedure, preventing him from completing it.  YIKES!

A CT of my chest to look for metastasis to the lungs:

If I read it correctly, all is well.

An x-ray and an ultrasound of my kidneys:

I have never not had blood in my urine since Whipple surgery.  Are the Whipple-induced kidney stones causing this or do we need to go ahead and investigate the possibility of other cancers with a CT urogram?  3mm stone currently in the left kidney.  6mm stone currently in the right.  Surely these guys are causing the blood, right?

Pelvic and vaginal ultrasounds rather than the endometrium biopsy that my oncologist recommended:

If I read them correctly, all is well.

And now, here we are, today, December 13, in need of yet another CT scan, this time with a special contrast per the radiologist’s request. 

As last week’s initial shock of likely metastasis wore off, I entertained many new emotions and many new thoughts.  Emotions and thoughts that are stretching my character as well as stretching my faith.

A wise mentor of mine once explained that the human experience is all about rising to the next level of relationship with God.  We are comfortable where we are (in darkness) until we come near to the Light of God.  God is Light and as we approach Him, His Light reveals our sin, our character flaws, and any “issues” that we may need to work out.  With His help, we embrace the truths revealed by His Light and make the changes that need to be made.  With each step closer, His Light shines even brighter.  It illuminates additional concerns that we may not have been aware of a step or two back.  This is a continual process throughout life.  Some call it “sanctification.”  It is the process of aligning our thoughts and desires (and therefore our resulting actions) with God’s.  We turn from our ways to His ways.  We learn to love what He loves and hate what He hates.

The best simple example that I can think of to illustrate this concept involves BJ’s and my own personal “media intake” history.  When we were young parents, we were quite addicted to television and movies.  Our nightly “shows” were sacred.  We’d send our four kiddos to bed and literally “vegetate” in front of the tv until we fell asleep each night.  We loved being entertained, and we used the mindless downtime as a coping mechanism to wash away the cares of the day.  It seemed harmless enough to us, but the Lord began to convict our hearts over the ungodly things that we were allowing into our home and continuously exposing our eyes, ears, thoughts, and emotions to.  How could we be holy and set apart for His purposes if we looked and sounded just like the world around us-the world that does NOT know Him or His ways?  And how hypocritical of us to claim to be followers of Christ while also passively embracing many of the things that He commands us to avoid!  A choice had to be made.  We decided to give up all shows/movies with filthy language in them.  One step closer.  Brighter light.  We gave up shows/movies that carelessly misused or abused both God’s and Jesus’ names in them.  One step closer.  Brighter light.  We gave up all shows/movies that blatantly went against biblical principles and morals.  One step closer.  Brighter light.  We gave up all shows with inappropriate dress in them. One step closer.  Brighter light.  Our last cull pretty much wiped out all modern entertainment.  We couldn’t find anything on television that wasn’t sexualized.  Just about every sitcom and theater new release promoted indecency, lust, adultery, sexual promiscuity, or some other sort of perversion.  We initially grieved the loss of the shows that we anxiously awaited each night. But in giving them up, we soon realized that they had absolutely zero value.  They certainly didn’t strengthen our relationship with God.  Nor did they grow our marriage, relationships with family members, or others.  VOID.  A complete waste of time.  Precious time that could be spent fostering a closer walk with the Lord or building a rock-solid marriage, loving relationships with the kiddos, better health, or any number of other things.  Looking back, I am absolutely appalled and ashamed of the “garbage” that we once allowed into our lives and homes through television, movies, music, and even video games.  My! How far we have come over the years!  Never would we allow most of it in our home today.  But it didn’t happen overnight.  It was a process.  An aligning of our own perspectives with God’s perspective.  A gradual transformation that took place in our hearts over an extended period of time.

An early cancer diagnosis doesn’t allow one a gradual progression through various levels of faith and character development.  There is no “set your own comfortable pace” button.  Instead, both the unbeliever and the Christ-follower find themselves forced to navigate unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory.

With no one else to place their faith in but self, those who do not know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior either quickly lose hope or get lost in a sea of self-help.

 Believers, on the other hand, are encouraged by Jesus Himself to exchange their troubles for peace and to rest in the comforting knowledge that God is good and He is in complete control.  We do our very best to exercise the degree of faith that we do have and to trust in the promises of God found all throughout Scripture.

But sometimes reality doesn’t line up with our trusted Bible verses.  And our faith is pushed to an entirely new level.  Either God is who He says He is…or He isn’t.  Either He can be trusted…or He can’t.  Either the words of the Bible are true…or they aren’t. 

When reality doesn’t seem to align with the truth of the Bible, we begin to doubt and before we know it, our foundation begins to crumble.  Well, it says that He’ll deliver us from all of our diseases if we follow all of His commands, but it’s not looking like I’m healed. 

Can I… do I…believe the Word of God though my current circumstances in no way line up with its truths?  Or does my faith lie in man’s report?

H.U.G.E. jump up to an advanced level. Is my faith in God really faith in God? I know that He is capable of healing me, but do I truly and fully trust my future to Him? Even if it means early death?

Scripture teaches that faith is the evidence of what we hope for and the substance of that which IS TO BE SEEN (Hebrews 11:1). It’s not what we see now. Thus, it’s believing for a good report when I’m holding a bad one in my hands.

New level.  Brighter light.  More character to be built.  More flaws in my theology to work out.

After becoming sick and near-death, King Hezekiah requested of God,

 “O Lord, I ask you from my heart to remember now how I have walked with You in truth and with a whole heart. I have done what is good in Your eyes.”

Hezekiah cried with a bitter cry which prompted the following response from God,

“I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears. See, I will add fifteen years to your life” (Isaiah 38).

Have I prayed Hezekiah’s prayer?  Absolutely!  Have I reminded the Lord of how much I love Him and of all the sacrifices that I’ve made to walk out His truth in this lifetime?  Have we discussed my lifelong pursuit to do only what is good in His eyes?  Yes, indeed.

Have I asked for 15 more years?  You better believe it!

But here I am about to be injected once again with harmful contrast to get a better look at a new, seemingly fast-growing mass in my abdomen. 

Exodus 20:12 assures God’s people that our days will be long in the land that the Lord has given us if only we honor our father and our mother.  Done.  I can most definitely claim this promise of God.  So, why are my days looking shorter and shorter?  Why does my bloodwork indicate that cancer is possibly alive and well inside of me?  Do I believe God’s promise?  Or man’s report? 

I prayed a quick prayer of protection from both the radiation and the contrast.  As the technician powered up the machine and began to scan my body, I remembered Abraham’s son, Isaac, bound on a makeshift altar, prepared to die in obedience to his father (Genesis 22).  He, too, suddenly found himself at death’s door far too young.  Like it or not, arrangements had been made for his life to be poured out as a sacrifice unto God.  Scripture does not indicate that Isaac fought this horrible fate.  Instead, it appears that Abraham’s beloved son embraced death (at least somewhat willingly) in order to serve a greater purpose.  When he questioned his father as to where the sacrifice for their offering might be, Abraham answered that the Lord Himself would provide.  And sure enough, just as Isaac’s life was about to be terminated, God intervened.  He honored Abraham’s unwavering trust in Him and the fact that he withheld nothing, not even his son, from God.

Lord, I don’t know the purpose of all of this or how it can possibly be used for Your glory.  I don’t understand why I would be taken so young while others are granted long life.  It just doesn’t make sense why You would allow disease to overcome someone so determined to know You and make You known.  I’m a good servant, Lord.  A faithful one.  And I can’t praise You or bring You glory if I’m dead!  I need to be here to support my amazing husband and kiddos. I’ve got a grandbaby on the way and many more to come who need a godly grandmother who will never cease to share Your truth with them.  A grandma that will lavish Your love on them and relentlessly battle the enemy on their behalf.  If the cancer was going to come back, why didn’t You just spare us all the torment and take me out during the Whipple procedure?  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I hate that place.  I don’t want to die early.  Please don’t allow me to suffer.  If there’s any other way…please Lord…

But not my will.  Thy will be done.  Right here and now, I present myself as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to you God, which is my reasonable spiritual worship (Romans 12:1).  I’m ready to move to a new level of faith.  If my time on earth is coming to an end, then I trust that Your purpose for my life is complete.  And if not, then I know that You already have a ram waiting somewhere in the thicket that will release me from this death sentence (Genesis 22:13) and free me to walk out the future with a greater measure of faith. 

Abraham offering Isaac as a sacrifice Genesis 22

Good report or bad…  You are trustworthy.  You go before me.  You never leave me.  You alone write my story.

The CT scan confirmed the previous week’s MRI.  The report is not good.

3.7 cm solid mass within the small bowel mesentery suspicious for neoplasm in this patient with history of Lynch syndrome. May represent an additional primary tumor or metastasis given the stated history of ampullary adenocarcinoma.

We are all spiritual beings assigned a temporary physical experience on earth in order to prepare ourselves for eternity.  Have I secured eternal salvation? Have I recognized that I’m a sinner separated from God who desperately needs a Savior?  Have I turned from my sinful ways?  Have I trusted in the atoning blood of Jesus Christ to save me?  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  And YES!  Does the idea of death make me sad, nonetheless?  Of course it does.  While my sins have been forgiven and I am in a place of surrender and at peace with the Lord, I still sometimes find it difficult to manage my human emotions.  Because I know without a doubt that I will spend all of eternity with God, I don’t have to fear death.  Death will be a win for Julie Higgins.  Yet, I can’t help but to want to grow old with my husband and watch my four kiddos continue to mature into amazing godly adults.  I want to pour love and truth into my grandbabies and leak the love of God on everyone I encounter.  It’s definitely difficult to imagine not being able to do these things.

Yet, somehow in the midst of the unknown, I’m oddly okay (and maybe even a bit giddy) inside, wondering just what God might be up to.  In scripture, He often makes use of two witnesses.  I just happen to have two witnesses, an MRI, and a CT scan, confirming a bad report.  Will He miraculously dissolve the tumor, prompting my unbelieving surgeon to come to the realization that there’s an all-knowing, all-powerful God that passionately loves him and wants to cut an everlasting covenant with him?  Will my Heavenly Father ask me to continue this difficult journey openly before the world in order that I might introduce those who do not yet know Him personally to “the Way, the Truth, and the Life,” the only One that will fill the void in their heart, the One their soul has longed for all along?  Will He use nature and natural methods to heal me?  Will He use medicine and western doctors? Will I get to be part of a scientific breakthrough? Will I be living proof that God is still in the miracle business?  Only time will tell. 

I covet your prayers as we await news on what happens next.

God is good y’all.  And I am oh so blessed.

Julie

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