To back up to the beginning of my cancer journey, click here.

In my last post on January 1st, I revealed that I had run out of options.  My medical team had been debating whether I should be readmitted to the hospital and fed intravenously while they searched for answers or if a feeding tube should be placed.  Multiple friends strongly advised against the feeding tube, so BJ and I agreed that I’d return to the hospital for a short (at my insistence) stay for additional testing and IV nutrition.  To our surprise, the same doctor that heartily encouraged my readmittance informed us that the hospital was now full due to increased Covid-19 cases and that no room or bed could be spared for me.  A feeding tube would have to suffice for the time being.

BJ and the girls and I had been planning a January 2021 trip to Missouri and Texas to visit family and church friends for around 6 months at that point, and I was very concerned about the logistics of getting many bags of liquid nutrition on and off of multiple airplanes. As well, I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of being away from my healthcare team so soon after having the tube placed.  I had heard many horror stories of leaks and infections and knew firsthand of a very recent case of sepsis due to a feeding tube placement performed by the very same professionals that would place mine!  Needless to say, I was quite anxious about the entire ordeal. 

Because we truly could not gauge the “seriousness” of “92 lbs and dropping,” we reached out to my gastro specialist and asked her if it was at all possible to postpone the feeding tube until after the trip.  Just how risky would it be to wait one more month?  She responded that she wanted to try a combination of two new medications, Lomotil and Dicyclomine, to sort of “paralyze” my colon in order to keep food in it longer which would hopefully increase my chances of proper absorption.  She agreed that we could postpone the feeding tube until our return to Oregon as long as we stayed in close contact and let her know immediately if any more weight loss occurred.

Relieved that I didn’t have to have the tube placed right away but also that at least something would be done to stop the weight loss, I picked up the pair of medications (which actually ended up being an absolute disaster together!) and trusted that there had to be a reason that my weight was continuing to drop.  I had been backed into a corner.  Nothing was working.  The doctors were still grasping at straws trying to come up with a “fix” for me, and now Covid was preventing them from running their experiments to try and solve the mystery….

Feeding tube or continued weight loss until my body systems shut down.  Those were my only options.  And I hated them both…

The next morning when I stepped on the scale, I was quite surprised to see a weight gain rather than the usual loss.  Was that even possible?  For months, my weight had dropped daily and now I had suddenly gone from 92.8 pounds on January 1st to 94.4 pounds on the 2nd .  And then, on January 3rd, I registered .2 higher!  On the 4th, I made it to 96 pounds, followed by 96.6 on the 5th , 97 pounds on the 6th , 97.4 on the 7th, and 99 whole pounds on January 8th!  We were stunned!  We were thrilled!  We could give no logical explanation for the change.  One full week of weight gain!  Our very first step in the right direction- almost seven months after surgery!  Could it be a miracle?

Here you can clearly see my continuing downward trend before the sudden weight gain

We wept!  We praised God!  Over and over, we blasted God of Midnight through the speakers into the entire house and shared it with anyone who would listen.  What perfectly fitting lyrics!  Our oh-so-good and ever-faithful God showed up at the very last minute.  When the odds were stacked against me, when my faith was at an all-time low, when I had no other options, when I was at the end of my rope, when I was completely out of hope and had no choice but to give up all control, HE. CAME. THROUGH.  like HE. ALWAYS. DOES.  He’s never too late.  He never runs out of time.

Heart of mine, be confident!  NOTHING is too hard for Him!  It’s not over until My God says it’s over! So, when things get worse than really bad, I will be still and know… that He’s with me!

I’m chronicling these events about seven weeks after they occurred. No matter how much food I take in, my weight continues to hover around 98-99 pounds. I have not been able to duplicate the awesome work that God did in my body that week. And that’s okay because it serves as a continual reminder that God supernaturally intervened on my behalf. He knows exactly what He’s doing even when it makes no sense at all to me. He’s in complete control of my body and He’s more than capable of meeting my exact needs at any given time. His plan for this season of my life does not appear to include instant restoration. But again, that’s okay, because He’s made it clear that He’s got this. He’s got me! He has not forgotten; He is acutely aware of my current circumstances and He has a good plan for me. Which means that I can lay down my worries in exchange for His perfect peace that passes all understanding.

I am not scheduled for a feeding tube placement at this time.  WooHoo! My fat-soluble vitamin counts are still quite low (Vitamin D has dropped further, from 20 five months ago to now 6) and the doctors are currently working to elevate them. They have yet to come up with a solution for my digestive “woes” and with the exception of Tincture of Opium (which we have not yet agreed to try), we have exhausted all medication options. But…

My energy level has drastically increased over the last few weeks and I’m feeling pretty “normal” these days except for a good amount of stomach cramping and bloating and the constant trips to the restroom. Also, my girls tell me that I’m “filling out a little” and that my face “isn’t quite so scary anymore.”  Ha! Imagine that!

My gastro specialist ignores my comments about God’s involvement in my weight gain and insists that the only thing that can possibly be contributing to the increase is either the intake of additional calories or delayed transit times of food through the colon.

I’ve got my own list of possible contributors, like the living miracle I met whom I believe imparted life to me through a friendly hug, and the timely vision that a complete stranger had of an angel interacting with me.  Perhaps the change was brought on by my Young Warrior kiddos releasing supernatural “breakthrough” into the atmosphere during our little class at church, or maybe one or all of the amazing prophetic words that I’ve received are finally coming to pass.  Maybe, just maybe, the doctors are right, and my obsessively healthy diet truly has been part of the problem all along, as they insist there is “healthy to the point of harm.”  And, as much as I hate to admit it, I have a sneaking suspicion that a little plant that’s been given a big, bad name (but was created by God and given to the nations for healing) might just be involved in a huge way! 

 As for me, I don’t really care how God chooses to do His thing.  I’m just super grateful that He’s ever-present, silently at work behind the scenes, keeping me alive to share His love and His truth with others. 

As I have time, I’ll do my best to write about each of the “possibilities” that I mentioned above.  I’m also anxious to share some of the emotional healing that took place on our recent visit to Texas.  But first, I have a little more explaining to do about myself and God’s purpose in this cancer journey and then we have to back up into a very deep, dark past that I’m convinced is at least partially responsible for the death that’s been underway inside of me for decades.

Notable speaker and author, Lysa Terkeurst, reminds us that “God doesn’t want  [us] to suffer.  But He will allow it in doses to increase our trust.  Our pain and suffering isn’t to hurt us.  It’s to save us.  To save us from a life where we are self-reliant, self-satisfied, self-absorbed, and set up for the greatest pain of all…separation from God.”

Without a doubt, all that I have suffered so far through this cancer journey has increased my trust in an invisible but very near God.  He’s walked every single step of the way alongside me.

After pondering Lysa’s words, I can’t help but to wonder if much of my suffering has been allowed in order to save me from me…from placing my trust in myself and my doctors and what I (or they) can do to meet my needs and change my situation. 

Thank you, Father, for rescuing me at the last possible moment.  May I never again question whether or not You’ll come through for me. Because You always do. May I never again lose hope when the road gets rough. Because there is always hope for those who serve a limitless God. May I never again give up on me. Because You never do.

Click here to continue following my journey.  Next post: Goodbye Death Sentence, Hello LIFE